The Elevator.

It's always a normal day, a normal situation. I make my way towards the steel doors and wait patiently. Sometimes they are intimidating, other times they seem normal, a part of my daily life. As I walk through the doors I am enclosed in the small box, with nowhere to go. My only option is to trust that I will make it to my destination without harm, and that I will accomplish whatever goal is set for the day. I press the button. As I'm rising to the top, to my desired location, the walls around me begin to violently shake and rumble, and I'm scared. From here, one of two things happens. Either the room slowly starts to turn its way upside down, and I'm faced with the scary realization that I'm going to fall into darkness, into oblivion, to my death. OR the box begins to fall rapidly towards the ground, and I understand that the violent impact will be painful, harmful, and the possible reason for my demise.

The Elevator.

The scenario I have described is one that has made its way into my dreams more and more lately. It wasn't until recently that I realized the reoccurance of the elevator in my dream, and the fact that I keep re-living  this horrible experience. What does it mean?

I am me. The elevator is my life. The ascension of the elevator represents the opportunity that I have, and the fact that I make daily decisions to progess in life, be the best I can be, and ultimately reach success, the top. However, before I can safely get to the top, there's the fall. The fall represents the chaos, instability, and lack of control in my life. As I'm trying to reach the top and the success I feel I can work towards, pressure,chaos and lack of control work against me, and cause me to feel discouraged and defeated, crushed.

I found these particular dreams and interpretations very interesting and applicable. It's funny how the mind works, and even when you work to repress and ignore feelings, they fight to make themselves known.

The interesting thing about the dreams, is that even though I fall, and or even though the elevator tips, I don't die, or usually get hurt. It's a terrifying, near death experience, but I always survive. ...the messages the mind sends.

I just have to wonder how many times will I have to face those steel doors in fear, before I safely reach the top.

~af.

Competition

     I always lived comparitively. My eyes constantly wandering on what the person next to me has, and how they live, instead of focusing on my own life and blessings. It's so easy to become wrapped up in the lives others lead, and forget our own blessings and opportunities. Over time I have made it my goal to stop living this particular way, and in many ways I have been successful. But there is one ironic twist. I continue to live comparitively, only now my competition is myself.
   
  My entire life, I have been told the great things I can do and accomplish. I was always aware of my brains, and the fact that college was an invetiable part of my future. Interestingly, even though I was being encouraged I never really realized how much my spirit was buying into it, almost at a dangerous level. I always crave the next step in my life and my physical body and time can never quite keep up with what my brain forsees, making it almost impossible for me to live in the present.

While this may seem ambitious and exciting to outsiders, it can become quite frustrating to live inside such an "ambitious" mind. I spent years dreaming of post grad life, and all the opportunities I was promised by family, friends, teachers, professsors and mentors. However after the stage was crossed, and the hype died down, I felt cheated. I was left with such high expectations of my life and my future, and was faced with the reality of a life that was eerily similar to before I even left for college.

It's easy to justify not comparing yourself to others, but what about when your biggest envy is you? I can literally see the image of the woman I want to be, the life I want to lead, and the success I want to achieve. However, right now I'm stuck in a phase where all that is, is an image, one that seems unattainable. Everyday I have to fight the urge to jump out of my skin, and into hers. Fight the urge to be angry at everybody who promised me different. Fight the urge to quit, because the right path doesn't feel right at all. The real Ashley and all her potential is trapped inside, and all I can do is wait. and wait. and wait. Because, "your time will come Ashley, you will be successful."

The only comfort, is knowing that I have other women around me who likely feel similiary. So it's not a situation unique to me. I just think that it's important to acknowledge that just because we have made it so far, doesn't mean that it's as easy as people think. It's not as fulfilling as you would imagine, not yet at least.

So on a positive note, I want to dedicate this blog to all my sisters and friends who are feeling similiarly, and waiting to catch up with their creative minds and dreams. You're amazing. :)

af

The Natural Relaxer: A New Twist on an Old Ideal

It seems like everywhere I turn black women and natural looks is up for discussion. It even has become something of a hot topic between men and women, with men even opting for the natural . So what happened to the days of packaged hair and creamy crack? One can only imagine.It seemed like overnight, the same women who felt obligated to change their whole image to meet a standard of beauty, are now made to feel like fools and fakes. Women committed to their perms and makeups are now on the defense, while natural women relish in their gorgeous kinks and locks.

The entire concept brings many questions to mind. What exactly what has created the trend? Is it even a trend? Why are women choosing to go natural? Is it a personal choice or is it to be accepted by fellow black woman? If the latter is the case, in my opinion natural is simply the new relaxer. For that matter, what is natural? Is it simply lacking chemical, or all heat and processing all together?
The topic has even made it all the way to CNN, which is amazing when considering how subjects similar to this,  are typically avoided due to lack of knowledge, and lack of pursuit of that same knowledge.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/LIVING/07/25/touching.natural.black.hair/index.html

An interesting point made in the video, is that many black women are intimidated by the natural look, out of fear of being judged, viewed as unattractive, and trapped underneath the glass ceiling. All of these are likely true, and it is unfortunate that such a beautiful, distinct characteristic would be considered unacceptable and intolerable in society. That being said, I still can't help but feel as though the tables have turned and that instead of being pressured to be straight, we are now pressured to be kinky. :)

Many women are like the woman in the video, gorgeous and confident in their natural look, and because that look works so amazingly for them, they seem to believe the same  holds true for all black women. I disagree. I feel as though each woman has her unique look, and it is up to her to decide what makes her feel the most confident! I personally decided to stop using perms because they were too harsh for my hair, and I wasn't realizing all the damage I had done for over a decade! I know others who faithfully stand by their relaxer, and look beautiful doing so! This is there personal choice, and they haven't let new trends influence them, which I can respect more than using the natural look as a "fad".

The point of this rant? For almost our entire history in this country, society has subliminally turned black women against each other, by trying to convince us that one woman is better than the other based on looks. Conventionally, that look has been light skin, long straight hair, and occassionally "pretty" eyes. This has worked against the appreciation of diversity, and individual confidence that is needed by all of our women! Without us realizing it, we are reversing the ideal  look, but perpetuating the same thoughts! Embrace who you are. Natural is beautiful! Relaxed is fabulous! Do your own thing, to each her own beauty.

af

Dear Old Ash...

When I think back on my childhood, the intricate imagination and creative writings that I used to have amaze me, and I become jealous of my former self. Writing used to be such a large part of my life. With a degree in Journalism, many may not think that much has changed, but it has. I has become nearly impossible for me to find my creative side. I have become influenced by others, what they do, wear, say, and want, that I somewhere trapped the beautiful mind I used to have. I'm not sure how many posts it will take to get it back, but I can promise that I am going to re-dedicate myself to my gift, make it amazing.
~af