I always lived comparitively. My eyes constantly wandering on what the person next to me has, and how they live, instead of focusing on my own life and blessings. It's so easy to become wrapped up in the lives others lead, and forget our own blessings and opportunities. Over time I have made it my goal to stop living this particular way, and in many ways I have been successful. But there is one ironic twist. I continue to live comparitively, only now my competition is myself.
My entire life, I have been told the great things I can do and accomplish. I was always aware of my brains, and the fact that college was an invetiable part of my future. Interestingly, even though I was being encouraged I never really realized how much my spirit was buying into it, almost at a dangerous level. I always crave the next step in my life and my physical body and time can never quite keep up with what my brain forsees, making it almost impossible for me to live in the present.
While this may seem ambitious and exciting to outsiders, it can become quite frustrating to live inside such an "ambitious" mind. I spent years dreaming of post grad life, and all the opportunities I was promised by family, friends, teachers, professsors and mentors. However after the stage was crossed, and the hype died down, I felt cheated. I was left with such high expectations of my life and my future, and was faced with the reality of a life that was eerily similar to before I even left for college.
It's easy to justify not comparing yourself to others, but what about when your biggest envy is you? I can literally see the image of the woman I want to be, the life I want to lead, and the success I want to achieve. However, right now I'm stuck in a phase where all that is, is an image, one that seems unattainable. Everyday I have to fight the urge to jump out of my skin, and into hers. Fight the urge to be angry at everybody who promised me different. Fight the urge to quit, because the right path doesn't feel right at all. The real Ashley and all her potential is trapped inside, and all I can do is wait. and wait. and wait. Because, "your time will come Ashley, you will be successful."
The only comfort, is knowing that I have other women around me who likely feel similiary. So it's not a situation unique to me. I just think that it's important to acknowledge that just because we have made it so far, doesn't mean that it's as easy as people think. It's not as fulfilling as you would imagine, not yet at least.
So on a positive note, I want to dedicate this blog to all my sisters and friends who are feeling similiarly, and waiting to catch up with their creative minds and dreams. You're amazing. :)
af
